I can't believe I'm posting this.

Modern History: Germany from 1918-1919

This is an experiment. Because I cannot bring myself to write notes, and I forget them after they are written, I am trying to write witty, interesting notes, as I only ever remember witty, interesting things. So yeah. This counts as study, as I need to thoroughly understand the period and - if I do it right - it should still contain Exam-worthy material.

This is a narrative series of notes. My notes on the features of the Weimar Republic, etc are separate and therefore NOT FOR YOU. (This is my rationale for giving everyone else help with this assignment and thus falling further behind. After all, if you're going to fail, you might as well do it productively.)

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LUDENDORFF (March 18, 1918, to a meeting of generals): Right. We’ve got these troops from the Eastern Front. The allies are retreating, and we’re completely out of food, morale, reinforcements or an exit strategy. As sole leader of this country—

KAISER WILHELM: – Hey! –

LUDENDORFF: –Nobody likes you, you don’t count. Anyway, we chuck every soldier in Germany at the enemy lines, in single file with no weaponry.

HINDENBURG: Wait, back up a bit, what was that thing about the food?

LUDENDORFF: Shut up.

Later, after the deaths of thousands and the complete collapse of German lines and morale.

LUDENDORFF: Hmm. Okay, so maybe I ballsed that up a liiitle bit.

ALLIES (18 July): Pwned, n00b.

HINDENBURG: “Dear Kaiser: We cannot make good the severe losses we have suffered in battle. We cannot force peace on the enemy. The fighting must be broken off.” *cough*HINT HINT*cough*

LUDENDORFF: *Sigh* GG, allies. We surrender.

US PRESIDENT WILSON: (While dangling food in front of starving peasants) Oh really? You surrender now? Well, I guess we could take this as an opportunity to end the war. I don’t know… Perhaps you should become, like, a democracy or something first. Signal your good intentions and so on.

LUDENDORFF, HINDENBURG & KAISER: (in unison.) Are you kidding me?

WILSON: Yeah, we’re pretty much going to keep killing and starving you until we get the peace we want. Pony up with the Democracy, bitches.

On the 29 September, a democratic government development committee is set up by the Elites, and led by moderate liberal Prince Max. They are told to settle with the Allies.

LUDENDORFF: (To public) Well, despite the fact that I totally went behind your back, made a democracy you didn’t want, and ended a war you were all convinced was patriotic and an inevitable victory – the Socialists did it.

PUBLIC: Did what?

LUDENDORFF: Uh… everything. Democracy, peace treaty, you name it.

PUBLIC: But weren’t you…

LUDENDORFF: KTHXBAI.

Prince Max sets up a constitutional monarchy, creating a new government from the peace supporting liberals: the Centre, Progressive, and SPD parties. On October 5, he got it passed through the Reichstag; on 22-23 Oct, he implemented it. All throughout, he communicates with Wilson only, as the other two leaders, Lloyd George and George Clemenceau were preparing to make Germany pay for the lot.

MAX: So. Democratic enough then, Wilson?

WILSON: (Still standing on peasant’s chest, hovering food above their mouth) Weell, are you sure that you aren’t just stalling to make your military stronger?

MAX: No!

WILSON: Sure, sure, Max. Sure, sure.

Meanwhile.

PEASANTS (November 3): We’re sick of your crap, Max. Now we’re all communists.

MAX: What? But I –

SPD (November 7): Max, get the Kaiser to resign or we quit.

MAX: Are you kidding me? Alright. (To Kaiser) Kaiser, resign.

KAISER: NEVAR!1!! lolololol.

MAX: (facepalm)

COMMUNIST USPD (Nov 9): We’re on strike.

MAX: (facepalm, but harder.) Okay, uh, THE KAISER RESIGNED. YAY GO ME.

KAISER: What? No I didn’t…

MAX: THE KAISER TOTALLY JUST RESIGNED, GUYS.

PEOPLE: We’re pretty sure the Kaiser didn’t resign, Max.

MAX: Can we have democracy, peace and food now please?

COMMUNISTS (still Nov 9): OMG, YOU SUCK. LET US HAVE A GO!

MAX: You know what? Fine. I quit.

KAISER: Yeah, now that you mention it… I resign too. KTHXBAI.

MAX: (facepalm’s his own jaw off.)

The SPD and the Communist USPD form a joint government, led by Ebert, called the Council of People’s Commissioners. They start writing a new constitution – the constitution of the Weimar Republic.

Meanwhile, in the Allies’ command-railway-car

MARSHAL FOCH: So. It’s agreed then:

• you withdraw from France, Belgium and Alsace-Lorraine,
• you permit Allied occupation of the Rhineland – including all cities on the Rhine and heaps of land behind it
• you give us 5,000 trains,
• 10,000 traincars,
• 10,000 trucks,
• your entire navy,
• your entire U-Boat fleet,
• all your Prisoners of War,
• and 30,000 machine guns.

In return we:

o won’t stop the blockade against your shipping,

o give you back any of your captured men or

o do anything at all besides stop shooting at you.

Sound fair?

GERMAN NEGOTIATOR ERZBERGER: Well, my country is kinda screwed right now, meaning that I have no bargaining power whatsoever…-

KOCH: Oh! Well, if you promise to only shoot Germans, then we’ll give you some of your guns back. Does that sweeten the deal?

ERZBERGER: Not… really. But since I can’t actually refuse, I agree.

(5 AM on November 11, 1918, the treaty is signed. It comes into effect at 11 AM.)

Back to the Socialists, however…

EBERT: Right, so as the leader of the SPD, I declare this a socialist parliamentary democracy. We’re done here; let’s start governing. And organizing elections. And, y’know, fixing up this Treaty so the peasantry can eat.

PEASANTS: Sooo hungry.

USPD: Umm, no. This is a soviet, direct democracy – the people are in total power. Before we feed our people, lets socialize all industry. And if you say ‘election’ one more time, we will revolt on your ass.

EBERT (National Congress of Worker’s and Soldier’s Councils, 21 December): Fine, you get small reforms, as long as I get elections at the first possible opportunity. Deal?

USPD: YAY FRIENDSHIP AND BUBBLEGUM

EBERT: Well, thank God that was settled. Also, thank God that there will be no further strife between us two socialist factions!

USPD: Yeah, we are like totally BFF's right now. Nothing would possibly separate us two socialist factions!

For some reason, there were Sailors from Kiel living in the former Royal Palace. Ebert told them to leave at the end of the conference. As you do when someone tells you to leave, the sailors took an SPD leader, Otto Wels, hostage, barricading the palace. On 23 December Ebert quietly sends a unit of conservative-leaning soldiers to free him.

SOLDIERS: YEAH! LETS KILL US SOMMA DEM LIBURULS.

EBERT (24 December): (to Sailors) Are you sure you don’t want to leave?

The sailors consider.

SAILORS: Yeah, we’re sure. Come kill us for not following simple instructions and then kidnapping prominent leaders please.

They fight. Then the soldiers take a break, and hippies come along and put flowers in their guns. The soldiers disappear into the crowds.

EBERT: Did you just massacre the sailors and disobey orders? Because, I’m pretty sure you just simultaneously pissed off everyone.

Everyone turns to Army, looking reproachful.

EVERYONE: Did you just fire on sailors? And didn’t we get rid of the military as imperialistic and unsocialist?

ARMY: (pointing at Ebert) IT WAS TOTALLY HIM.

USPD (28 December): Ebert, did you fire on sailors using the military we got rid of?

EBERT: A mans life was in danger! They barricaded the Palace! It was a straight-forward hostage situation!

USPD (29 December): WE ARE TOTES NOT BFF's ANY MORE!!! WE QUIT. YOU CAN RUN THIS COUNTRY ON YOUR OWN.

EBERT: (facepalm)

The Socialist left splinters into, like, a million factions. There’s the KPD Communists (AKA the Spartacist League), who are EVEN MORE communist than the USPD Communists.

The Army, miffed at the fact that Hippies got to their guys, formed the Freicorps – a citizen militia made up of imperialist ex-soldiers and other brutes.

A general strike is planned for 5 January by the KPD. This is quite popular and successful, so they then proceed straight to violent coup d’etat.

KPD: It made sense at the time, okay?

FREICORPS SOLDIERS (January 13): (Killing the death out of all the Communist rebels) Sure sure.

EBERT: (facepalms harder)

KPD LEADERS (LIEBKNECHT AND LUXEMBURG): Alright, we get it. Sheesh, we never actually wanted a rebellion anyway. We surrender.

SOLDIERS: RAAWR, MAD WITH BLOODLUST. (kill Liebknecht and Luxemburg)

USPD and KPD: What? You killed violent protesters trying to overthrow you? You BASTARD! *Sob*. We’ll never speak to you again.

EBERT: (facepalms his own forehead in two.)

MAX: Yeah, I know that feeling.

Four days later, they hold an election. Ebert becomes President, with Phillip Scheidemann becoming Minister President. They thought it was over. It had just begun.

TOMORROW: THE OTHER 10 YEARS OF THIS 11 YEAR PERIOD, AND ALSO THE ENTIRE LIFE OF LENI RIEFENSTAHL, AND ALSO MY SPEECH (not on this blog, obviously.).

***

Right. So that’s pretty much from the war to the beginning of the Republic. It’s longer, perhaps, than other areas, but since my main weakness was this area, and understanding the 1918-1919 period, this will help me. Yeah.

NO COPYING, REMEMBERING, OR LOOKING AT, ANY MODERN STUDENT. I WARNED YOU.