*****
Tom was one of those people who complained about everything: the quality of dinner, for instance, or the people around him, and especially things beyond his control. His whininess made him so insufferable that there was only one person who could stand his presence at all – his friend Jane. Jane could manage such a feat because she was partially deaf and never got round to telling Tom.
One day, Tom was going to the lake, to fish, when his friend unexpectantly joined him with a bag of fishing gear.
“May I join you?” asked Jane.
“There’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.
"What was your last name again?" asked Jane.
"Why do you want to know?" responded Tom swiftly.
"No reason," said Jane ostentatiously.
They rowed in silence for a while, until Tom piped up.
“Rowing hurts my hands,” said Tom callously.
“Oh, YOU’RE having troubles!? This oar is broken!” said Jane robustly.
Tom grumbled, but he could say no more. After more rowing, they reached the fishing spot at the middle of the lake, and set up their fishing rods. They waited and waited, but there weren’t any fish. Tom and Jane began to discuss what to do.
“The chances of actually catching a fish here must be 20 to 1,” Jane said oddly.
“I wonder if I’d have better luck with a net,” Tom debated.
“Computers would get wet all the way out here,” responded Jane, proving she was deaf and dumb.
“Perhaps if we had more than one boat,” queried Tom fleetingly.
“But we don’t, Tom,” said Jane.
“Well that took the wind from my sails,” said Tom disgustedly.
“Hold on,” said Jane grippingly, “I brought some scuba kits.” She then began divvying up the equipment between them.
Tom looked terrified for a moment, but hid it when Jane looked his way. “Whenever I put on scuba gear, I get pins and needles,” said Tom divertingly.
“Oh dear,” said Jane gamely. “Well, it’s lucky that I brought these spears as well. Here, take one.”
“WHY DID YOU BRING ALL THIS STUFF ON A FISHING TRIP,” roared Tom, missing the point entirely.
“…,” said Jane blankly. She knew that Tom had these temper tantrums from time to time, and that they didn’t mean anything. All he had to do to calm down was to count in another language – English would not do – and his anger would go away. Tom took a breath and started counting.
"Ein, zwei, drei, fünf," said Tom fearlessly. After that, he took one of Jane’s spears and started searching for fish.
“I’m going after that red fish,” said Tom erringly.
“I prefer trout to salmon,” remarked Jane officiously.
But he missed, and watched as his weapon disappeared. His second attempt failed even more epically, as he threw the spear as hard as he could, but ended up throwing it straight up. The next sound he heard was a crack.
“I have a bad feeling about this,” Tom said sinkingly.
“The boat has a leak,” cried Jane balefully.
“We don’t have a bucket; we need to get out and swim. It’s not that far to land,” said Tom assuredly.
So they swam and they swam, but the shore seemed not to get any closer. Our two protagonists said a few things to each other on the way, but few are relevant to this story.
“I can’t do it, Tom,” said Jane notably.
"Lets have a rest", said Tom
“I’ve deduced a way out of this!” said Tom pathologically.
“How?” asked Jane.
“There’s a current!” said Tom with a fruity tone.
“Thank God for that!” praised Jane. And like the good Christians they were, they treaded water for a while longer. The sides of the lake gradually narrowed as they travelled, until they were in a rapidly moving river with steep, unclimbable banks.
“Oh, great. It’s getting dark,” said Tom in a tone of mocking delight. But that was not the only problem facing our brave adventurers.
“There’s a waterfall ahead!” shouted Jane.
“This situation is grave indeed,” said Tom cryptically.
Jane had reached the end of her tether. “Oh really! Whiny Tom has graduated to making obvious statements. Well isn’t that grand! If you make one more stupid remark like that I will personally dismember you!” shouted Jane cuttingly. Tom accepted this abuse for a while, before noticing a safe and easy climb on one of the shores.
I’m going to try swimming to the left bank,” Tom reported.
Tom swiftly swam to the shore as hard as he could, and eventually got there safely. Jane didn’t hear that last comment of Tom’s and went splashing and dashing straight over the waterfall. To be fair to Tom, he thought that Jane was right behind him, and was desperately afraid when he saw she wasn’t there. He ran around the cliffs to the riverbank below, despairingly searching for her. He found her on top of a pile of rocks, her leg splayed out awkwardly beneath her.
“I think I broke my leg,” said Jane lamely.
“Why didn’t you listen to what I said?” asked Tom sadly.
“I didn’t hear it,” said Jane deftly.
“But you heard all the other things I shouted at you!” said Tom confusedly.
“Hey, do you think the author really has the patience to explain this away?” asked Jane contritely.
“What are you talking about Jane?” queried Tom.
“Umm, well, er, you see…” stammered Jane.
FIND OUT THE THRILLING CONCLUSION OF THIS STORY… WELL, NEVER.
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